I sat upstairs in my bed and watched the hours go by while barely listening to the blaring television and surfing the internet for a cure for my boredom. I wasn't feeling all that creative. I mostly felt lonely and horny. I had access to sex but wasn't willing to make a big effort for it. He was busy. He had work to do and I shouldn't interrupt him. The truth was, I loved my fiancé and wished I could spend all the time in the world with him. But I couldn't. I had to let him work. I had to let him breathe. He was starting his own business and had finally incorporated. With hopes for great success, his time with me dwindled. He still gave me enough attention and love to want to tough it out and be patient. I just needed something to help me get my mind off the loneliness. I had friends but they were busy in their own love lives. I couldn't call them at these late hours. I couldn't even say what I wanted to say.
My homegirls had been with me for over a decade. We treated each other like sisters. But sisters tend to be so comfortable and loving that they judge the things you tell them. I felt like I couldn't vent about how lonely I was to my homegirls because they might end up saying things like, "He needs to make time for you!" and "He chose his job over you?" I didn't need this negative energy. We truly were in love and had decided to make this sacrifice to better our lives in the future. It was important to let him work. Plus, even though my close friends knew that I was bisexual, I still didn't go into much detail about it with them. I felt like our situations were so different that they couldn't relate with me. I sure couldn't relate with them.
My closest friends were Ciara and Hazel. We had a weird dynamic considering how we came together. I'd known Hazel since we were in the 8th grade. She was my first friend in a new town when my family moved to Suburbia. We went to the same church and remained close all through high school. When it was time to go to college, I went to a university in the city and Hazel stayed in Suburbia to attend community college. There, Hazel met Ciara. Ciara knew a few guys who went to the same university as me. The guys ended up having a party and we all decided to go together. Hazel introduced me to Ciara, our personalities clicked and it's been magic ever since. Ciara is the life of any party. She's totally hilarious and is extremely loyal to a friend. We clicked so easily because of her demeanor that we became even closer to each other than I was with Hazel. Some time passed and Hazel ended up having kids and marrying early. Once her kids were old enough to be handled by a sitter and Hazel fell out of love with her husband, she felt it was time to truly experience the club scene.
The three of us got really close at that point, but by then, I was getting deeper and deeper into my relationship. Adrian and I had fallen in love with each other swiftly. By the time the homegirls were ready to hit the club scene again, I was living with Adrian. Next thing you know, Adrian proposed. I'd settled down a bit since getting engaged. I didn't really want to hit the party scene like that anymore. After I got the ring, I started to feel more and more guilty for grinding up on guys at the club, even if it was all in good fun. Hazel had a birthday in March and that was the last time I'd gone out to the club. It was now June. I didn't even go out for my birthday in May. It actually felt good to stay home and act like an adult during those months. It was just that now it was starting to get boring.
So I sat there, bored. I continued to scroll through channels on my Guide searching for something good to watch on television. Of course none of the 5 shows I watch were on and the flipping seemed to never end. I wished Adrian would come up to bed. I was starting to miss him even though we lived together. He was using all of our evenings at home as work time for his new business. When I did choose to hang out in his basement office, I was subjected to either no conversation or conversation about web development -- a subject I know almost nothing about. I loved how smart he was and I was totally turned on by his gangsta-nerd persona he had going on. But at times, I wish he would slack off and hang out with me. I never told him that because I felt it was selfish. Adrian was making a big sacrifice of his time as an investment for our wedding and our future. For that, I was forever grateful.
Still bored. I grabbed my laptop from off the floor and brought it up onto my lap. Out of habit, I first checked Facebook for any new notifications, even though I knew there'd be none. As I moved my finger over the mousepad and scrolled through statuses, I found a horrible pattern in my friendships. My close friends were posting negative things about how men did them wrong or how they'll never amount to anything. My acquaintances told stories about their babies. My old high school classmates who only added me to be nosy and never spoke to me, they were living good lives...I mean REALLY good lives. They had travelled, been to really nice restaurants and lounges, and had fabulous clothes. Why weren't my close friends doing this? Why wasn't I doing this? My close friends went to these clubs that were just too hood for my liking. I wanted to do more. I wanted new friends. Don't get me wrong. I loved my homegirls to death. I just felt like I was transitioning a little faster than they were and I needed to venture out a bit.
New website...Craigslist.
